How times change!!

15 years ago: I wake up at 4.30 in the morning. Am all excited and enthusiast. Am gonna catch the 6 o' clock Steel Express along with my parents. Four hours later would reach howrah and in another hour would reach grandpa-grandma's place. Looking forward for a wonderful vacation. Would be going to places in the next few days, including relatives place. Gonna meet my cousin brothers, will have loads of fun along with pampering and showering of countless gifts. Have convinced dad that we would stay at my heaven, Birati, for at least two days. Cant wait to reach Kolkata!

Today: The alarm clock starts declaring its 4.00 in the morning. It doesn't hamper my sleep though, b'cause am already awake, just an indication of the time. With heavy heart i leave my bed, complete the final packings. Have no idea when my next visit is going to be. Dad sees me off at the station. The very same Steel Express departs from Tatanagar station, me by the same window side, waving back at Dad. The train rolls out, passes through the same fields, the same stations that it did 15 years ago. There is just one change; instead of introspecting the vacation ahead, am retrospecting my days back home!

This i believe is the bitter irony of life. The very day i used to look forward to as a child, is the day that now i want to avoid, delay, postpone and if possible wipe it out altogether. Its not that Kolkata disappoints me, its just that jamshedpur inspires me more. Its the sense of belonging, the respect that my hometown gives me that makes the difference. Grandma still lives in the same place, relatives still there though the relations have become a bit matured and Birati still has a soft corner in my heart. Its just that my paradise have shifted location, has gone 250 km away.

Love

Having practically nothing to do, with school friends back to their businesses, my idle mind thinking of games and puzzles hit upon something exciting last evening. The word 'love'. How many synonyms can one come up with for this word, lets say not exact synonyms, but "words that best fit". Lets see then.

Belonging. True one needs to develop a sense of belonging for the person he/she loves. I believe stronger the sense of belonging, more stronger is the realtionship and deeper the love.

Trust. Simple it may seem, but this is a tricky one though. To what extent of trust is the question. You may trust your maid and hope that she will not steal anything when you are away. Yoy may trust your milkman and believe theres no water in the milk. But does that mean you love your maid or milkman? Perhaps not. Here we expect a larger level of trust. Again the kind of trust you expect from your sister and your girlfriend are different, though you love both of them to almost the same extent(hopefully).

Expectation. There is no Shah Rukh Khan movie going out here that you keep loving someone unconditionally and do not expect anything in return. People who think they fall in such category should immediately undergo a one month course in some rehabiliation clinic. One may not expect the other to reciprocate the love in the same way but when even the basic expectations from the person loved or felt for are not fulfilled, it does strain the relationship if not ending it permanently.

Commitment. Well thats a boy-girl special i believe. Breaking the commitment you have towards your parents might not matter much in the long run but you date your girlfriend's best friend..aww...

Compromise. Surprisingly, over the 20 years that I have been in this mortal world, i have seen this as "the quality" for a relationship of love to survive. Be it with your parents, your siblings or your soul mate, you are always compromising yourself to avoid unnecessary problems that ultimately lead to decline of love.

Some may argue that honesty is the fundamental property of any "love" relationship. I beg to differ though. One doesn't need to be honest. Keep fooling around your 'love; partner...just make sure you dont get caught, else the 'trust' will be broken.

Now managing all these in existing 'love relationships', ie with parents, siblings and relatives is still managable. But to fall in love with someone from the opposite sex, keeping all these requisites in mind...is it really possible? I wonder how many of these are fulfilled in all love stories that take place around and as to what extend they are maintained. Or is it as my delhi mess mate, Mr X, says..."love for opposite sex is nothing but the quest for the perfect g spot". For once, it seems i'll agree with you Mr X!

Typically Bong

When i first came home in the pujas of 2007, there was one question that i was frequented with. How difficult it is to adjust with the bongs of kolkata? Not that the question has died out, but probably with time people have realized that i must have adjusted myself with the scenario. Much to my own surprise, initially i myself failed to distinguish between the two, between us and the localites, between probasi and bheto bangalis. But with time am able to visualize a distinct difference.

A probasi bong is without doubt materialistic. In general we enjoy in spending time doing something constructive. Not constructive in the literal sense though. Playing cards the whole night, useless bird watching in mani square also fall under such constructive measures. A kolkatean would rather spend their time thinking... thinking... and thinking, that is to say they are more abstract. They would prefer penning down a couple of lines of poetry and reading a rabindranath novel for the umpteenth time rather than wandering in pursuit of... u know what!!

And then the sense of pride...proud to be a bengali... proud for anything that even remotely has Bengal attached. And celebrations of this pride is indeed eye catching (kolkatans celebrate even the day rabindranath trimmed his beard... thats two days a year!). For them the biharis are rickshaw pullers, punjabis are taxi drivers, marwaris can only manage shops and the south indians are good for nothing. In short they are the best and should rule over every other community in this country if not the whole world. Whats amusing is the bengali auto driver and bihari taxi driver conversation. The auto drivers on seeing Biharis feel themselves to be zamidars of Bengal. A little reflection in their rear view mirror would actually show them their zamadar status. Its true that the bongs are intellect people, but then this intellect makes them over proud of themselves. It is this false pride i believe that keeps the bheto bongs confined in kolkata and the probasis never feel like returning to the roots permanently....

Friends vs Mates

Of late had a very interesting conversation with one of my cousins. Was narrating a college incident to her, at the end of which she asked whether the person concerned was my friend or classmate. Taken aback, i stressed on the fact that all my college mates are of course my friends.

Retrospecting, i realize she might have been right. To get a fare idea of her point of view, i checked the meaning of the word 'friend' in the dictionary. It says "a person one knows well and regards with trust and affection and one who willingly takes unparallel measures for you." Now this made me think. We are a bunch of 27 in the class. I might be knowing another 100 from JU. So of these 125 odd people, how many friends do i have. Nice question!!

Lets start off with a hypothetical case. I get a job, receive 25 congratulatory messages and wishes, decide to throw a party, 15 of us go together and enjoy ourselves...after all what are friends for!! So i have 25 friends ie all 25 out of 25. Everyone's happy for me, sharing my happiness. Great. Lets change the situation a bit. Lets say i have a class test on a given date and on the eve i drink heavily and the hangover being there, i get up late the next day. Lets just assume that i am in sheoraphuli when i wake up and the test is just at a half hour distance. Knowing i cant make it, i call up some of my friends and ask them to bunk the test just for my sake because i being left alone, the prof would never take a separate test for me but if the group is a large one, he just might. Now...how many friends do i have? Ok lets be fare to my 'mates'. The scenario remains the same, but instead of me its anyone from that lot of 26 who is facing the situation and i receive a call half an hour before a test to bunk it for his sake. What would i do? Firstly i would call my other 'mates' and ascertain what they are doing. Only when i find there are atleast a couple others to walk the same path, i would agree. But i will not be the lone person to go ahead and bunk the test just for my friend. So back to ground zero... how many friends do i have?

The question that comes immediately is why did i end up in such a scenario?! Back in my school days, we would do anything for quite a handful of the lot and they would also do the same for me. I remember during pre board examination, one of us got up late and not knowing what was wrong with him (no mobiles then) we stood near our school gate in freezing cold even after the scheduled time of the examination, knowing that he alone being late would be barred from the test but having a group of 6, the principal wont dare to do such thing. Then where did i go wrong in the last 3 years or so? Well the general trend is the more you spend time with people, the more stronger bond you develop and more friends you make. The bitter irony in this case is just the reverse happens. 21 days of staying together has made me more sceptical, cautious rather than easy going and treating all as one.

The reason i believe is in the mindset. It took me time to realize and adjust, but then i did learn it the hard way. People here havn't come to make friends, they have come to just stay for four years, gain the maximum and move on. And in the process it doesn't matter whether for self gain, there is someone who gets hurt or feels bad. Who cares anyway!! But back then, we never saw it as a 13 year investment in which one looks for maximum profit, instead we looked at it as a life long mutual fund where in if one goes down drastically, in some way or the other the second and the third also falls. Its this "i give a shit" atti about others that has made 27 'mates' among us. There are people in the class who cant tolerate each other, people with whom others dont wanna talk!! People for whom only "four people" of the entire 26 matters... gives a damn to the rest!! Somethings for a tiny lot of 27!!!

But then i believe its my personal problem, or rather a problem of a few. So i myself must be the guilty person. Though i failed to realize where i went wrong. One "friend" though points out that its not possible to make friends with everyone, but a situation of having tried and failed should not arise. Not that i have regrets, but then the world could have been a better place to live in, only if i had known the secret.

Balls People Have

Sometime back, one of my college classmates, Mr X told me that in the entire class I am the only one regarded as a person who doesn't have balls of his own. Aw thank you so much my dear friends, it really feels good to hear that and gives me great honour. Retrospecting I believe I would have actually agreed to Mr X had it been his personal opinion, because I believe Mr X stands out and is someone whom I really respect. It suits him if he would have said that. But then the entire class believes so. The entire 25 odd lot agreeing on a common issue was unimaginable to me but then they all believed on the fact that I didn't have balls...wow!!
Now to begin with I believe there is a strong reason for this notion. I, having come from a small town, had no clue about keeping other's secrets. So initially used to blab out whatever I heard in general and this offended quite a few. Back in my school days there wasn't anything like secrets among us. Here, people having crush on their classmate is also a secret!! So anyways, that, I believe, gave me the tag of having wagging tongue. But then 'balls' !!

Ok Mr X, please define to me what it takes to have balls? If saying someone right on his/her face that I would be happy to see you dead is called having balls, then yes I dont have them. If saying right on the face of faculty member that I give a damn is called having balls, then yes I dont have them. If taking a decision and making rest of the class follow that like dogs is called having balls, then yes I dont have them. If swearing names to respected professors in public is called having balls, then yes I dont have them. If going to someone and saying he is a bastard and then going to that very person and saying she is a bitch is called having balls, then yes I dont have them.

Oh Alexander, am fatigued...and even my balls are tired!! You were right Mr X, that you are not the only one waiting for this to get over, that you are not the only one waiting for May 2011, there are many. But Mr X for all the 'ball talk' that we are have, let me ask you a question. Just one, I promise.

Would you tell me Mr X, among this entire bunch of 'people with balls' how many of them would willingly sacrifice their dreams, their wishes just to fulfill the dreams of someone else that too with no regrets or sadness. And fulfilling other's dreams doesn't just mean following them, but to take it to such a level that the person whose dreams one is carrying feels that he himself might not have reached to such great heights. So Mr X, tell me how many? You dont have an answer. Never mind. I'll answer that myself. For all the 'balls' that they have, there would be two or three standing up to take this. You show me five and I will chop off mine. And oh.. in the mean time just do me a small favor. The next time someone tells you about my balls, just send him to me. I'll show him where I keep them!!

Retrospection.....

Aah... its been four years since I last wrote.... just one article in this blog though...have deleted the rest. I probably feel like writing when am a bit lonely, a bit upset with life. Its not that such a situation have not arrived in the past four years, but then never felt for the shattered dreams. And believe me an idle or lonely mind is where Satan loves to dwell. Always knew he was there with me, but never felt his presence so strong.

I consider myself to be a realistic, neither pessimist nor optimist. Neither am I a happy-go-lucky person, for neither luck nor happiness stays with me. But introspecting, i conclude that i could be a much better self than i am. Of late, i realize that i am not the best of persons people like themselves to be associated with, not the type people love hanging out with. Its not that i am ignored but then its that feeling that creeps when u fail to enter that inner core of trust. Trust. Thats a nice word. I wonder whether i understand its complete meaning. But it is this expectation that leaves us at times disappointed and gives us a sense of failure. And actually when one removes this requirement from any bonding, any relationship, one is at peace and in much better stances with thy neighbour...be it siblings, relatives, friends or anybody. Some may argue though that the very stepping stone of any relation is trust. And thats where we humans falter... expectations from thy neighbour. It leads to the ruining of one's self consious. Sometime back I was told... everyone in life will sometime or the other give you pain. It is for you to decide what to chose, the pain or the person. I didn't answer her then... but the answer will always be pain!!