On this day - 12 yrs ago....

The final bell on final friday before the summer vacations was always special, filled with lot of expectations, anticipations and belief that the coming six weeks would be the best time of our lives. Having finished my final sems and coming back home to enjoy the last of all summer vacations, i happened to pass through loyola on that fateful friday. As the bell rang, the school gates opened and children rushed out as if the prison walls had been broken and this being their only opportunity to escape. The entire beldih road got flooded with the boys in white shirt with occasional patches of men in blue. Panditji, as usual became busy making chuski at a rate that would even put german machinery to shame, jay chandji making dosas, putting in oil instead of butter and water instead of oil. A casual stroll past him, his initial frown that of why come in this busy hour, and then the broad smile...bhaiya aap kab aye?

Seeing those young kids of junior school, my own "half pant" days come gushing back. I remember on this last friday, i used to get rs 5 from my mother to celebrate the onset of the vacation. That would be enough for a special panditji chuski, a shared jai chand dosa or a special jhalmuri from chandanji. I wasn't allowed to travel to school on my cycle way back in junior school, so there would be a maruti van waiting. On all other days the van driver, Shravanji, would scold us to get in fast and would always be in a hurry, but on this special day he would spare us all. We would loitre on the roads, make fun, play those silly childish games and mock at the school as if we have won a battle against it and got our well deserved freedom. Only when plans of how we would spend the next six weeks, cricket matches scheduled, get together dates fixed, we would leave for our home, heart content and dreams fabricated. Though seldom we lived upto such plans, but then when in life does things go as scheduled. Little did i realize then that such a trivial day might leave a lasting effect down the road.

Retrospecting, the end of school hours bell was always special, more so in junior school. We were then ruled by tyrannical teachers who would always frighten us and would scare us with the fact that senior school was worse. We were so horrified then that we would not even dare to touch the premises of senior school. But that 1.20 bell would bring an end to all that for the day and the next day seemed distant away. I remember Samarth Mohan, he was in 5B and i myself in 5C, being my van mate and neighbours back then. He had a younger brother, Shikhar Mohan or as was nicknamed, Agarkar, for his "wicket taking machine" skills!! Along with Vipul Kesri we were the younger lot and it used to be our constant effort to trouble the seniors, Ankit bhaiya, Tinu bhaiya and Surjo bhaiya. Tinu bhaiya, or Samar Jha as the world knows him, was the then hot and hapenning guy of Loyola, just elected as the school president and we felt it an honour to be travelling with him. The very thought that the school president knows me personally would give an air of arrogancy when we walked the corridors of junior school and in those petty childhood fights which were a regular recess time affair, samarth and i wud be spared by just uttering the name Samar Jha. Ankit bhaiya, arguably, was my first guide who gave me an insight to the porn world. Those were days when household computer was distant dream and an hour of internet would cost around 30 bucks, so porn sites and digital images were something unheard of. I remember watching Titanic in the fifth standard and Kate Winslet became my instant favorite actress, for reasons apart from her acting. Ankit bhaiya used to foster those burning desires and he even brought hardcopy porn for us, hand written stories, torn pages from magazines, etc, etc. And of course how could i forget Veera Menon, the chemistry teacher who used to travel with us and definitely was the hottest in campus. Ours being an all boys school, such beauties were rarely seen. Classmates would always be jealous of me for getting the opportuniy of travelling with her, those ocassional care that she would impart, those brushing of my hair with her hand, would be recess time discussions for about a week that followed. And then of course there was Shravanji, who tried to make life hell for us. Little did we then understand that it was love, and his urge to make us reach home earliest to our waiting parents that prompted him to such acts.

Coming to think of it, those were the best days, when there was no peer pressure, no care about future, just maintaing the regular day to day schedule and going to bed every night peacefully. Life moved on fast then. not dull and slow as it does now. I remember, seeing my elder cousins and the freeom they got, i had once told Ranada that i wish i could grow up fast and start enjoying life. He looked back at me, smiled and said "Joy, khub miss korbi ei din gulo jokhun boro hoye jabi... jiboner itihas e ei din guloi swornojug hoye theke jabe..." Now that i dont have an opportunity of re-living those days, the words always ring in my ears.....

2010... A Year That Was...

Finding nothing to do after a 15 hr sleep on this 31st of December, i sit back to retrospect and recollect the events that shaped my life this year. Arguably, this has been a very productive year. Thinking back, i recall that i was in a pitiable mental condition around the same time a year ago. And undoubtedly, this year came at a crucial juncture of my life and am happy that have been able to live up to it. Ironically, despite all the ups, i still end 2010 in not one of the best moods, probably because a dear friend of mine says, i just can't enjoy life!

2010 began with me performing the worst in semesters and some flak that i had to receive for it from my parents. Some wrong allegations and misunderstandings made jsr a miserable place for me in jan 2010. The repair work needed to be done and without delay i started. The results came along, joint second in the very next semester, a job as early as august 7th and an opportunity to study higher. In fact, by the end of 2010, am having one of the best secured futures among all in my class. Second highest package salary, initial posting in kolkata, an open opportunity of pursuing fully funded doctorate studies in US in mechanical engineering and an offer to join a friend's business. Academically the year turned out pretty good, dream of getting a 9 gpa in atleast one sem fulfilled, recovering from the disastrous gre score and hitting a 111 in toefl and of course, throwing gate preparation out of the window.

This being the materialistic gains, 2010 also turned out to leave behind sweet memories. My attachment with my sis increased to an extent that i shared everything with her, from feelings to emotions... she gifted me riju, my nephew, the cutest baby in this world. My role model cousin bro paid a visit to India, and interacting with him has always made me a better person. I hope in 2011 i would be able to fulfill the promise that i made to him, that we would meet somewhere outside India. College life came a circle, a gap had developed for some unknown reason between some of my very close first year friends, am happy that 2010 helped to bridge that gap. Thank you AR, KS and SC (never realized ur initials were so bad, sc!!). Had loads of treats and hangouts, had a gala durga puja this time, probably the best ever.

So comparing with 2009, which mainly was a downhill slide, 2010 allowed me to rise higher and higher. But then one can’t expect all ups, after all am not the chinese economy. There were a few setbacks, a few disappointments. The 21 days of training in Guwahati was probably the biggest disaster of all. Its taken me sometime to forget that. Of course BOC and UIC are acting as decent balms. Twice in a year the opposite sex made me realize what a worthless piece of shit i am, that i am not worthy of being a friend of theirs. Thank you AM, thank you UB. The harder you try, the more you fail. No, i am not talking about grasping sand particles in your hand, i am talking about maintaining relationships. Learnt a very good lesson in life in these closing days of december, never ever trust anyone. But then i believe thats life, 2010 will go down as a memorable year in my life, indeed one of the very best. I walk into 2011 leaving all my emotions, my pains, my sadness back here in 2010 and hope to be cold, ruthless, selfish, cynical and alone. After all these are the requirements for happiness. But before 2010 ends, let me finish with some of the best words from my personal favorite play.... et tu brute....

How times change!!

15 years ago: I wake up at 4.30 in the morning. Am all excited and enthusiast. Am gonna catch the 6 o' clock Steel Express along with my parents. Four hours later would reach howrah and in another hour would reach grandpa-grandma's place. Looking forward for a wonderful vacation. Would be going to places in the next few days, including relatives place. Gonna meet my cousin brothers, will have loads of fun along with pampering and showering of countless gifts. Have convinced dad that we would stay at my heaven, Birati, for at least two days. Cant wait to reach Kolkata!

Today: The alarm clock starts declaring its 4.00 in the morning. It doesn't hamper my sleep though, b'cause am already awake, just an indication of the time. With heavy heart i leave my bed, complete the final packings. Have no idea when my next visit is going to be. Dad sees me off at the station. The very same Steel Express departs from Tatanagar station, me by the same window side, waving back at Dad. The train rolls out, passes through the same fields, the same stations that it did 15 years ago. There is just one change; instead of introspecting the vacation ahead, am retrospecting my days back home!

This i believe is the bitter irony of life. The very day i used to look forward to as a child, is the day that now i want to avoid, delay, postpone and if possible wipe it out altogether. Its not that Kolkata disappoints me, its just that jamshedpur inspires me more. Its the sense of belonging, the respect that my hometown gives me that makes the difference. Grandma still lives in the same place, relatives still there though the relations have become a bit matured and Birati still has a soft corner in my heart. Its just that my paradise have shifted location, has gone 250 km away.

Love

Having practically nothing to do, with school friends back to their businesses, my idle mind thinking of games and puzzles hit upon something exciting last evening. The word 'love'. How many synonyms can one come up with for this word, lets say not exact synonyms, but "words that best fit". Lets see then.

Belonging. True one needs to develop a sense of belonging for the person he/she loves. I believe stronger the sense of belonging, more stronger is the realtionship and deeper the love.

Trust. Simple it may seem, but this is a tricky one though. To what extent of trust is the question. You may trust your maid and hope that she will not steal anything when you are away. Yoy may trust your milkman and believe theres no water in the milk. But does that mean you love your maid or milkman? Perhaps not. Here we expect a larger level of trust. Again the kind of trust you expect from your sister and your girlfriend are different, though you love both of them to almost the same extent(hopefully).

Expectation. There is no Shah Rukh Khan movie going out here that you keep loving someone unconditionally and do not expect anything in return. People who think they fall in such category should immediately undergo a one month course in some rehabiliation clinic. One may not expect the other to reciprocate the love in the same way but when even the basic expectations from the person loved or felt for are not fulfilled, it does strain the relationship if not ending it permanently.

Commitment. Well thats a boy-girl special i believe. Breaking the commitment you have towards your parents might not matter much in the long run but you date your girlfriend's best friend..aww...

Compromise. Surprisingly, over the 20 years that I have been in this mortal world, i have seen this as "the quality" for a relationship of love to survive. Be it with your parents, your siblings or your soul mate, you are always compromising yourself to avoid unnecessary problems that ultimately lead to decline of love.

Some may argue that honesty is the fundamental property of any "love" relationship. I beg to differ though. One doesn't need to be honest. Keep fooling around your 'love; partner...just make sure you dont get caught, else the 'trust' will be broken.

Now managing all these in existing 'love relationships', ie with parents, siblings and relatives is still managable. But to fall in love with someone from the opposite sex, keeping all these requisites in mind...is it really possible? I wonder how many of these are fulfilled in all love stories that take place around and as to what extend they are maintained. Or is it as my delhi mess mate, Mr X, says..."love for opposite sex is nothing but the quest for the perfect g spot". For once, it seems i'll agree with you Mr X!

Typically Bong

When i first came home in the pujas of 2007, there was one question that i was frequented with. How difficult it is to adjust with the bongs of kolkata? Not that the question has died out, but probably with time people have realized that i must have adjusted myself with the scenario. Much to my own surprise, initially i myself failed to distinguish between the two, between us and the localites, between probasi and bheto bangalis. But with time am able to visualize a distinct difference.

A probasi bong is without doubt materialistic. In general we enjoy in spending time doing something constructive. Not constructive in the literal sense though. Playing cards the whole night, useless bird watching in mani square also fall under such constructive measures. A kolkatean would rather spend their time thinking... thinking... and thinking, that is to say they are more abstract. They would prefer penning down a couple of lines of poetry and reading a rabindranath novel for the umpteenth time rather than wandering in pursuit of... u know what!!

And then the sense of pride...proud to be a bengali... proud for anything that even remotely has Bengal attached. And celebrations of this pride is indeed eye catching (kolkatans celebrate even the day rabindranath trimmed his beard... thats two days a year!). For them the biharis are rickshaw pullers, punjabis are taxi drivers, marwaris can only manage shops and the south indians are good for nothing. In short they are the best and should rule over every other community in this country if not the whole world. Whats amusing is the bengali auto driver and bihari taxi driver conversation. The auto drivers on seeing Biharis feel themselves to be zamidars of Bengal. A little reflection in their rear view mirror would actually show them their zamadar status. Its true that the bongs are intellect people, but then this intellect makes them over proud of themselves. It is this false pride i believe that keeps the bheto bongs confined in kolkata and the probasis never feel like returning to the roots permanently....

Friends vs Mates

Of late had a very interesting conversation with one of my cousins. Was narrating a college incident to her, at the end of which she asked whether the person concerned was my friend or classmate. Taken aback, i stressed on the fact that all my college mates are of course my friends.

Retrospecting, i realize she might have been right. To get a fare idea of her point of view, i checked the meaning of the word 'friend' in the dictionary. It says "a person one knows well and regards with trust and affection and one who willingly takes unparallel measures for you." Now this made me think. We are a bunch of 27 in the class. I might be knowing another 100 from JU. So of these 125 odd people, how many friends do i have. Nice question!!

Lets start off with a hypothetical case. I get a job, receive 25 congratulatory messages and wishes, decide to throw a party, 15 of us go together and enjoy ourselves...after all what are friends for!! So i have 25 friends ie all 25 out of 25. Everyone's happy for me, sharing my happiness. Great. Lets change the situation a bit. Lets say i have a class test on a given date and on the eve i drink heavily and the hangover being there, i get up late the next day. Lets just assume that i am in sheoraphuli when i wake up and the test is just at a half hour distance. Knowing i cant make it, i call up some of my friends and ask them to bunk the test just for my sake because i being left alone, the prof would never take a separate test for me but if the group is a large one, he just might. Now...how many friends do i have? Ok lets be fare to my 'mates'. The scenario remains the same, but instead of me its anyone from that lot of 26 who is facing the situation and i receive a call half an hour before a test to bunk it for his sake. What would i do? Firstly i would call my other 'mates' and ascertain what they are doing. Only when i find there are atleast a couple others to walk the same path, i would agree. But i will not be the lone person to go ahead and bunk the test just for my friend. So back to ground zero... how many friends do i have?

The question that comes immediately is why did i end up in such a scenario?! Back in my school days, we would do anything for quite a handful of the lot and they would also do the same for me. I remember during pre board examination, one of us got up late and not knowing what was wrong with him (no mobiles then) we stood near our school gate in freezing cold even after the scheduled time of the examination, knowing that he alone being late would be barred from the test but having a group of 6, the principal wont dare to do such thing. Then where did i go wrong in the last 3 years or so? Well the general trend is the more you spend time with people, the more stronger bond you develop and more friends you make. The bitter irony in this case is just the reverse happens. 21 days of staying together has made me more sceptical, cautious rather than easy going and treating all as one.

The reason i believe is in the mindset. It took me time to realize and adjust, but then i did learn it the hard way. People here havn't come to make friends, they have come to just stay for four years, gain the maximum and move on. And in the process it doesn't matter whether for self gain, there is someone who gets hurt or feels bad. Who cares anyway!! But back then, we never saw it as a 13 year investment in which one looks for maximum profit, instead we looked at it as a life long mutual fund where in if one goes down drastically, in some way or the other the second and the third also falls. Its this "i give a shit" atti about others that has made 27 'mates' among us. There are people in the class who cant tolerate each other, people with whom others dont wanna talk!! People for whom only "four people" of the entire 26 matters... gives a damn to the rest!! Somethings for a tiny lot of 27!!!

But then i believe its my personal problem, or rather a problem of a few. So i myself must be the guilty person. Though i failed to realize where i went wrong. One "friend" though points out that its not possible to make friends with everyone, but a situation of having tried and failed should not arise. Not that i have regrets, but then the world could have been a better place to live in, only if i had known the secret.

Balls People Have

Sometime back, one of my college classmates, Mr X told me that in the entire class I am the only one regarded as a person who doesn't have balls of his own. Aw thank you so much my dear friends, it really feels good to hear that and gives me great honour. Retrospecting I believe I would have actually agreed to Mr X had it been his personal opinion, because I believe Mr X stands out and is someone whom I really respect. It suits him if he would have said that. But then the entire class believes so. The entire 25 odd lot agreeing on a common issue was unimaginable to me but then they all believed on the fact that I didn't have balls...wow!!
Now to begin with I believe there is a strong reason for this notion. I, having come from a small town, had no clue about keeping other's secrets. So initially used to blab out whatever I heard in general and this offended quite a few. Back in my school days there wasn't anything like secrets among us. Here, people having crush on their classmate is also a secret!! So anyways, that, I believe, gave me the tag of having wagging tongue. But then 'balls' !!

Ok Mr X, please define to me what it takes to have balls? If saying someone right on his/her face that I would be happy to see you dead is called having balls, then yes I dont have them. If saying right on the face of faculty member that I give a damn is called having balls, then yes I dont have them. If taking a decision and making rest of the class follow that like dogs is called having balls, then yes I dont have them. If swearing names to respected professors in public is called having balls, then yes I dont have them. If going to someone and saying he is a bastard and then going to that very person and saying she is a bitch is called having balls, then yes I dont have them.

Oh Alexander, am fatigued...and even my balls are tired!! You were right Mr X, that you are not the only one waiting for this to get over, that you are not the only one waiting for May 2011, there are many. But Mr X for all the 'ball talk' that we are have, let me ask you a question. Just one, I promise.

Would you tell me Mr X, among this entire bunch of 'people with balls' how many of them would willingly sacrifice their dreams, their wishes just to fulfill the dreams of someone else that too with no regrets or sadness. And fulfilling other's dreams doesn't just mean following them, but to take it to such a level that the person whose dreams one is carrying feels that he himself might not have reached to such great heights. So Mr X, tell me how many? You dont have an answer. Never mind. I'll answer that myself. For all the 'balls' that they have, there would be two or three standing up to take this. You show me five and I will chop off mine. And oh.. in the mean time just do me a small favor. The next time someone tells you about my balls, just send him to me. I'll show him where I keep them!!

Retrospection.....

Aah... its been four years since I last wrote.... just one article in this blog though...have deleted the rest. I probably feel like writing when am a bit lonely, a bit upset with life. Its not that such a situation have not arrived in the past four years, but then never felt for the shattered dreams. And believe me an idle or lonely mind is where Satan loves to dwell. Always knew he was there with me, but never felt his presence so strong.

I consider myself to be a realistic, neither pessimist nor optimist. Neither am I a happy-go-lucky person, for neither luck nor happiness stays with me. But introspecting, i conclude that i could be a much better self than i am. Of late, i realize that i am not the best of persons people like themselves to be associated with, not the type people love hanging out with. Its not that i am ignored but then its that feeling that creeps when u fail to enter that inner core of trust. Trust. Thats a nice word. I wonder whether i understand its complete meaning. But it is this expectation that leaves us at times disappointed and gives us a sense of failure. And actually when one removes this requirement from any bonding, any relationship, one is at peace and in much better stances with thy neighbour...be it siblings, relatives, friends or anybody. Some may argue though that the very stepping stone of any relation is trust. And thats where we humans falter... expectations from thy neighbour. It leads to the ruining of one's self consious. Sometime back I was told... everyone in life will sometime or the other give you pain. It is for you to decide what to chose, the pain or the person. I didn't answer her then... but the answer will always be pain!!

It takes two days to rewrite destiny...

The 'summer of 06' turned out to be arguably the most dramatic summer of my life. Decisions made, remade and finally this one by which I and only I stand alone. I still dont know what future has in store for me but then am following my instincts and hoping for the best. Among all the brouhaha that took place this summer, the defining moment was just two days...two days in Asansol.

My entrance performance being dismal, the best option available was IT in Asansol Engineering College in Asansol. I wasn't happy but then having no other alternative, decided for it. So there I was, 29th July, along with my parents, there in Asansol.


30th July, 2006: Right in the morning went to college, took the uniform (yes...AEC had uniform!!!), met my roomie, Biswaroop Saha (had made acquaintance with him during counselling), went to hostel, selected room and decided to shift in the evening. Then went along with Dad and opened a bank account, acquainted with few of his colleagues there and came back to the hotel, having just three hours before shifting to the hostel.

Movies are in general a good source of entertainment but then at times they influence you to take some life changing decisions. Those three hours were spent in watching Iqbal, the debut film of Shreyas Talpade. It wasn't the first time I saw it though, a nice movie of self determination and scaling great heights against all odds. Then finally left for hostel, chatted with the new friends, had dinner in the hostel mess, then went to bed for the night. My first night, as I thought at that time, and my last, as it turned out to be.
Probably its gonna be a usual affair to stay awake the whole night once I go to college, but that was the first night that set things in motion. I just couldn't sleep. It rained twice, went to the bathroom four times... Biswaroop initially gave me company but soon he dozed off too. So there I was, lying all by myself, retrospecting... introspecting.

Began with what would happen the next day, how to cope with ragging, how to avoid seniors initially, that it was pathetic that would be uniform bound for the next four years too and such frivolous stuffs. Then wandered away to what a small town Asansol was and how miserable life would be in this town for the next four years. Ultimately it came down to what I have done in life even after studying in one of the best schools of the country. By the early hours of morning, I had decided that I am not going to be a mere engineer from Asansol..that I will, under all odds, drop a year. I realized then itself it was my decision, I would be alone in this decision and would get no support, that failing to improve significantly next year would have to take the flak all myself. But then I needed that one chance, one opportunity to test myself, to answer myself. As the saying goes it is better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all.

There are some decisions in life that are simply made on one's intuitions, that no logic or reasoning can justify. Decisions that ten years down the line might seem right or wrong. But I believe what matters is whether one can live up to one's choices made, that he remains loyal to his decision, that he can answer himself rather than anybody else. Ans such spontaneous decisions are always taken in an impulse, and once taken one can go to any extent in realizing it, go against friends, relatives, society and even one's parents. At this juncture I dont know whats in store, maybe next year would be packing the bags again for Asansol... but then have no regrets. For the rest of my life, I will be able to say to myself, that I, being a Loyolean, made my own destiny!!